Reasons Why Richter Didn't Have those Features
by PRIVATE
Summary: Ah, chapter 8... In which some dude asked a question, and I wind up telling him a convoluted tale. Alucard seems to be a pimply 19 yearold in this one.
1. He's not dumb, he doesn't know

In 1997, Castlevania fans were saddened after finally entering the Richter cheatcode, playing as Richter wasn't as bad ass as they thought it was going to be. 

...Don't get me wrong, it was still very cool, but Richter's gameplay, along with Richter himself, was constricted to Belmont tradition. No ability to use anything else but your Vampire Killer and subweapons.

When Konami was questioned by die-hard fans, they released footages showing why they did not allow Richter's game to have the new features and abilities that made 'Castlevania: Symphony of the Night' 'Castlevania: Symphony of the Night'.

These are those footages.

In a dark day, the sun is fully blocked by the storm clouds. Lightning cracks the sky as people use whatever they can, newspapers, suitcases, umbrellas, to even a hobo that was sleeping comfortably, and run to a shopping mall. This is where Konami is holding their press conference.

Lightning strikes.

As we zoom in, organ music begins to play, and we start to see human forms through the plexiglass walls that shopping malls usually have. Konami has set up a giant projector screen in front of the mall's water fountain. A whole bunch of fold-up aluminum chairs have been placed in rows in front of it. The Konami speakerman is pacing left and right before finally addressing some intern.

"Hey! Cut the opening music to Final Fantasy Six already! We don't need to the creepy organ music anymore and any longer, and Squaresoft will sue our asses!"

The intern sighs. "It's called SquareEnix now."

"Whatever!"

The organ music stops. The speakerman walks up to the podium.

"Good afternoon, everybody!"

Lightning strikes.

After all the gasps, screams, and 'We're all gonna die!'s are done, the speakerman clears his throat.

"Bad afternoon, everybody!" He rushes his arms over his head in case lightning was going to strike again. It doesn't.

"Very well then." He composes himself. "Konami has heard your problems and questions, we have received so much of it that we decided to hold this public press conference at a shopping in Pasadena, Texas. We would like to answer your questions by saying that we DID NOT have sexual affairs with that lady. Anything else?"

Someone coughs while everybody says nothing.

"Really? Nothing?"

Yes, nothing.

One, meek Castlevania raises his hand.

"Ah, yes! You, in the Richter Belmont T-shirt!"

"Wasn't this where you were supposed to show a video of why bad ass Richter Belmont got stuck with the traditional Castlevania gameplay while Alucard got the most awesome things of the game?"

The speakerman's face pales. He puts his finger to his ear clip walkie-talkie. Nobody knows what exactly he said but the way he moved his mouth showed that he messed up somehow. The speakerman has to compose himself again.

"R-right!" He smiles widely. "That's what this whole thing is all about! Right! I knew that! ...Right!" He gets his remote control ready for the movie projector. "We thank you fans of the series,"

Someone yells 'I came for the free food!'

The speakerman still smiles. "and yes, fans of the free food, for coming today. Video game scientists at Konami have developed this video of why Richter couldn't have the gameplay mechanics as the main character, Alucard. Please... Enjoy." The lights darken and the projector turns on.

KONAMI presents... "WHAT IF?"

A nerdy looking, fake german scientist looks to the camera. "Guuden tag, gentleman. I vould like to vresent to you a series of 'vhat ifs' that vill definatively explain your dire und inquisitive questions. Virst 'Vhat if', Mist...

MIST

After being in so many places that Alucard couldn't have gone in so early, Richter's nearly beaten to death by all the tough monsters and baddies.

"Damn inability to use potions!"

A bat comes in from seemingly nowhere. Richter is about to die. "No! Not after I worked so hard to get this blue, misty, orb-thing!" He forgets to add that dieing by a single, slow moving bat would be pretty embarassing.

In his fear, he tries to shield himself with the blue, misty, orb-thing. The blue, misty, orb-thing is the Form of Mist relic. It starts to glow, but Richter has his eyes closed in fear of the bat.

The bat's squeaks get dimmer and fainter. Richter wonders what's going on. He opens his eyes. The bat had passed right through his misty, foggy body.

Richter's initial thought about his fortune?

"...OHMIGAWD! I'M DEAD!" He begins to sob about being a ghost. "I-I-I don't wanna spend the rest of eternity going 'Boo!' to everybody! Such cruel fate! Is this the end of the Belmont line?! ...I wonder where my body's at?" At first, he had trouble moving his new form around but once he got the hang of it...

"Wheeeeeeeee!" He kept circling in the air. But then he remembered. "Oh yeah, must find body and have Out-of-Body-Experience episode in front of it. Right."

Richter searched everywhere within a five mile radius of where he 'died'. He just couldn't find his bloody body. Maybe why he couldn't find it had something to do with the Form of Mist relic?

"Of course!" His blobby self expanded at the revelation. "It must be that blue, misty, orb-thing that I found!"

Go on, Sherlock, go on...

"It must have..."

Yeah?

"Have..."

YEAH?

"Have..."

YEAAAAH?!

"...It must have turned my physical self invisible! It was supposed to make the finder invisible!"

And that's why Richter wasn't allowed to have the Form of Mist option. He just plain didn't get how it worked. Richter was stuck looking for his invisible body just like how Yorick kept looking for his head. For all of eternity. No, not really. But it was still a good twelve hours.

* * *

Move on to the next chapter!  



	2. Food Poisoning's Bad

FOOD 

Near the beginning of the game, Richter comes across a gigantic rock. "Hmm, guess I'll just have go over it." He doesn't mind the effort but bats stop him before he can jump onto the rock.

"YAAAAAARGH! NOT AGAIN!" Ever since that horrible incident involving toothpaste, diapers, a fake stripper, latex gloves, and some unmentionable parts, Richter had became deathly terrified of bats. He swings his whip around frantically, all the while, screaming like a little girl. "AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

A whole bunch of noises occur. Even though he heard the sound of bats dieing, it's the sound of a boulder smashing that got Richter to stop flailing around and, thank goodness, stop screaming.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-Eeek?" He uncovers his eyes. There's a delicious looking pot roast in front of him. Richter blinks twice. He turns his head around to see if anybody left it here or if it's a trap. Nothing is behind him but dead bat bodies.

"?" He prods the wonderful smelling meat. His stomach rumbles. "I suppose..." He sits down where he is and eats the Castlevania pot roast in one bite. "Mmmmm! ...YUMMY! An excellent meal! I must go find some more!" After much grunting, he staggers upright. His belly is protruding so much he seems eight months pregnant. He walks and whistles offscreen. He has to hold his stomach because it jiggled uncontrollably with every step.

(LATER)

After whipping the living crap out of some skeletons, Richter's belly ROARS. "Whoah, better find something to eat before I become a skeleton myself!"

Richter searches around for a destructible wall. "C'mon, there's gotta be some food lying around somewhere!" He finds a turkey. "YES!" Like before, he eats it in one bite.

(LATER AGAIN)

Richter is fighting against Galamoth. He's losing. After getting too close to death, he dives to a corner of the room. It buys him valuable but vanishing time away from the giant. Galamoth is walking towards the corner.

But Richter doesn't seem too concerned about that. He's busy cradling his stomach. Suddenly, he slaps a hand over his mouth. He's looking very green.

Galamoth stops. He wonders what the heck's going on.

Richter's shoulders shook until he finally barfed. He kept on barfing. Galamoth's feet are starting to get wet.

"Eww!" The giant yelled.

Richter kept on barfing. Galamoth's knees were getting wet.

Galamoth wondered how can a human have that much stomach acid in him.

Richter was still vomiting. Galamoth was starting to drown. He regrets not installing that drain into the floor. With a godzilla-like cry, Galamoth submerged into the vomit and never again rose.

A full hour later, Richter stopped vomiting.

And that's why Richter wasn't allowed to eat food found on the floor in the game. Remember, kids. Alucard can afford to eat food that's been lying around because he's not human. You are.

Alucard walks in waving a finger of stern disapproval. "Uncle Alucard says always avoid salmonella or any other food-related disease. Lest your fate be that of Belmont."

Richter vomited again.


	3. CoOp Gone Wrong

* * *

This chapter is brought to you by PRIVATE and her brother. PRIVATE's bro is the one playing as Player-Two in Co-Op. Chapter commencing... NAO!

* * *

CO-OP GAMEPLAY

Alucard is struggling against a horde of imps in the inverted castle. When I said 'struggling against'. I truly meant 'running away from while peeing himself'.

"I only have two HP left! GOD, SEND DOWN ONE OF YOUR SOLDIERS TO HELP ME!!!"

Someone plugs in a second controller into the Playstation. Richter Belmont suddenly materializes.

Alucard is silent but then burts into tears. "THANK YOU!!!"

"HYDRO STORM!"

Alucard is saved.

(LATER)

"Richter," Alucard poses coolly. "what brings you here? Were you not enjoying your birthday party?"

Richter seems bummed out. "Yes..." He wipes the tear from his eye and composes himself. "But evil never must succeed in its plans! ...Besides, I have no idea why else I would be here."

"Yes... Neither do I..." He shifts uncomfortably.

There's an awkward silence between them.

Richter opens his mouth. "So, do you want me to help y-?"

"-Oh, yes please!"

(EVEN MORE LATER)

"You must believe me, if I wasn't about to die, I'd go face that minotaur willingly-"

"It's okay! It's okay! I believe you! Let me go kill that thing and then find a save spot so that way we can both get healed up!" Alucard watches as Richter walks offscreen to go kill the minotaur blocking the save spot. Alucard wasn't lying. He really is about to die.

Richter's voice is heard. "Okay, monster. Prepare to die!"

Nasty sound effects from the battle are heard.

SLICE MASH SQUISH CHOKE KA-BLAM!

Richter's cries of agony are heard.

"AAAAAURGH! MY LEG! IT BIT MY LEG!" Many more yells are heard.

The minotaur is heard.

"Moo."

Alucard winces at Richter's pain. More painful sound effects are heard.

SLASH DICE MINCE CHOP MUTILATE! Richter screams.

"It's okay, Richter!" Alucard tries to cheer him on through the battle. "I have a potion!"

More screaming with more sound effects.

MAIM CASTRATE BASH BLUDGEON!

"It's okay, Richter! I have an elixer!"

Blood-curdling yells are heard. Alucard only has one, twitching eye open to see the brutality.

CRUSH GNARL SUFFOCATE PUNCH MURDER!

A single howl is made by Richter before it gets quiet.

Alucard uncovers his eyes. "...It's still okay! My faerie has a life apple!"

Even though Richter may be dead, sound effects continue.

MUSH SLAM SHISHKA-BOB WEDGIE BURN!

Alucard stops averting his head away. As soon as he looks, the horrible sound effects continue. Alucard just covers his face with his hands. He whispers 'Oh god, Oh God...' the whole time before the sound effects FINALLY die down.

Alucard stands there looking at what's left of Richter. The minotaur walks by Alucard and goes home. Alucard is still looking at what happened to Richter.

"...It's okay!" He says meekly. "I... have a mop..." Richter is nothing but a bloody spatter on the floor. "Eww."


	4. Remember to Spay Your Pets

WOLF 

"Okay, now." Richter pulls a lever.

ELEVATOR ACTIVATED the in-game message says.

"Now that I got the elevator working, time to find out what that yellow orb was." He muses to himself. He walks to the elevator. The Soul of Wolf relic is waiting for him.

"My last experience with a relic was NOT good. Logic says this one shouldn't be good either."

He squeezes the orb anyway. Richter notices that he's getting extremely hairy.

"Crap."

He twists and contorts until he shrunk down into a blue-furred wolf. He shakes off his oversized clothes. He was about scream and panic about his transformation, but he stopped mid-scream.

"I think... I like being naked." It was quite breezy in the Outer Wall. Richter thinks about what he's going to do next since he had turned into a wolf. What was he going to tell Maria? What was he going to tell his wife, Anetta? Will he be stuck like this for the rest of his life? Will the next generation of Dracula-slaying Belmonts be blue, furry puppies? (Eww, don't think about that last question closely)

Richter stops thinking about his fate and is irritated by an itchy ear. He tries to remember what dogs usually do to get rid of an itch when they don't have hands.

"Oh yeah... That feels GOOOOOOOD..." He has head tilted for his hind leg to get the most scratch effectiveness. He just barely noticed that his tail was wagging. He looks at his tail. He sniffs his ass. He realizes something very great and important.

"MY GOD! My butt smells like a bed of roses!" Richter realized why dogs sniff each others' ass.

He wonders what else to do next. He walks away to go find a flea man to eat.

Even as a human, Richter always wanted to eat a flea man.

(LATER)

Maria is awaiting Alucard in the clock room so they can have their meeting. Alucard does come in but with something that she didn't expect.

"Alucard, is that a dog? I never knew you had a pet." Alucard has Richter on a leash. Richter is panting happily.

"Maria, this is..." Alucard gestures towards Richter but he didn't really get the words out. Richter snaps the leash out of his hand and runs towards Maria. He rubs his head against her hip (Wolves are huge. Dogs can only reach to your knees).

"This is a very happy dog, aren't you pookiepoo?" Maria finishes the sentence for him.

"Pookiepoo?" Alucard thought that she's talking to him. He sees that Maria's actually baby-talking Richter. "I knew that..."

Richter is enjoying the head rubs and the ear scratches he's getting.

"Anyway, that wolf you are currently snuggling with affection is truly Richter."

She stops snuggling him affection. Richter is sad. "Alucard... is he a... Werewolf?"

"None of the sort. Belmont has merely discovered a relic with... unusual properties. I'm not certain of... a..." He is distracted by looking at Richter. Richter is licking his balls. "Of.. way... getting him... back... Yeah... Dammit. If he doesn't stop doing that, he's getting neutered."

"Agreed!"

Richter doesn't.

"To the vet with you!" Maria grabs the leash and drags Richter.

"Yeah! Screw Castlevania and my dad!" Alucard goes with Maria. She goes on to tell him how Richter was humping her leg. Richter is whining pitifully.

"No! I had no control over myself! Please, not that!"

To humans and half vampires, it sounded only like dog whining.

And that's why Richter wasn't allowed to have the Soul of Wolf relic. Even if he didn't get neutered, Castlevania still couldn't go on like it's supposed to. The Belmont line would be wolves and stuff. Wolves don't have thumbs to wield the Vampire Killer, so hence Dracula has no one to stop him. But what about Alucard, you say? He went to Cancun and stole some Arikado dude's ID. He now lives under a fake name. Remember kids, listen to uncle Alucard about food safety. Don't listen to him about tax evasion and identity fraud.

Luckily, and I do mean I felt guilty, Richter managed to turn himself human and run away from Alucard and Maria.

"MUST! KEEP! RUNNING!"

Alucard tried to chase him but he remembered he was the Playstation version.

"Accursed inability to run at speeds more than five miles per hour!"


	5. CoOp Revisited

CO-OP GAMEPLAY REVISITED

Richter and Alucard are standing outside of a door. A boss (Galamoth) is beyond the door. He's most likely going to kill them.

"Okay, this is what we're going to do. We are going to find a rotten turkey, let me eat it, wait a good two hours, and drown the boss to death with my gastric juices." Richter awaits Alucard's praise for his brilliant idea.

Alucard is silent. "...Richter, that will never work."

It's only been the second scenario but everybody has forgotten about FOOD (AKA: Food Poisoning's Bad, M'kay?) . Everybody but Richter. After all, he was the one vomiting uncontrollably.

Richter sighs sadly. "...Fine, what do you have in mind?"

"Alucard shield plus shield rod combo."

"I have no idea what you just said but let's try it anyway."

Richter was about to walk through the door but Alucard grabs his shoulder.

"Wait! In case of we were to die, my faerie has but one life apple."

"That matters not. We don't suck THAT much!"

The author and her brother glare at the TV.

(LATER)

Richter is lying bloodily on the ground. Alucard is soon in the same position.

"H-holy cr-rap! We really DO suck!"

The author and her brother glare at the TV.

Richter struggles upright to fight off the approaching giant. "Tell Anetta... I loved her... VRAAAAAGH!" He runs offscreen for the final confrontation.

"Richter, NO!"

Too late! Richter has already died!

"You killed Richter! ...YOU BASTARD!"

Alucard tosses holy water at Galamoth. Galamoth steps on Alucard. Alucard is dead and squished.

...But wait!

The holy water works it continuous damage until Galamoth is dead himself.

The faerie familiar walks on (flies on?) to the scene.

"So then I was like 'That's MY man!' and then she was like 'Why don't you fight me, f-er?' and anyway, I cut off Medusa's head and put it on display for everybody to see. Wait... I was supposed to get rid of the head's petrifying ability? Oh crap..."

The faerie sees the dead bodies. She looks to her cell phone.

"...I'll call you back. I have business to attend to." She hangs up. The faerie looks at the measly, and single, life apple she has to work with. She rubs her chin Sherlock Holmes-esque in deep thought. How was she going to revive the them both?

"Aha! I got it!" She drags the two bodies and puts them REALLY close together. She then uses the life apple to revive them in its limited magic range. But it didn't work out the way she wanted it to...

"...Better amscray before they wake up. I value my life!"

She flew off. Our two heroes stir but do not completely wake up yet.

(LATER)

Richter groans sleepily. He reaches a hand out to rubs his face. He hit himself with the Vampire Killer. "Should've let go of that before hand." He finally gets it right this time and rubs his eyes. Richter yawned, and after waking up entirely, he was about to stand up, but he couldn't feel his left arm for some reason.

He looks to see if it's broken, damaged, or even severed.

"Why can't I feel my arm? Is it-?" When Richter turned around, he saw Alucard's head attached to his shoulder. Heck, they were fused together.

Richter was surprised.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

"Ugh... Richter, why are you screaming? Is that nightmare with the diapers that horrifying?" Alucard tries to stand up also but he comes across the same problem as Richter.

He is also surprised.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Ten minutes of yelling their fused butt off later, curious about their predicament, Richter lifts up the shirt to see that there's a distinct line between his peach-colored skin and Alucard's pale white flesh.

Their thoughts about all of this?

"This... is going to suck."

They get up and waddle awkwardly towards a possible solution for their situation.

They're stuck like this for the rest of their lives.

No, not really.

But it was still a good twelve hours.

* * *

This chapter is once again brought to you by PRIVATE and her brother. Remember, you can criticize my ability to play Castlevania, but you can't talk about my brother's MAD SKILLZ. Lest I sic Belmont on your ass. "HYDRO STORM!" 


	6. Georgey the wonder bat

(???)(I have no idea where this one's heading) 

Richter is roaming the library.

He finds a lesser demon.

"Die, lesser demon!"

He finds a book.

"Reading hurts my brain. Die, book!"

He finds a naked Master Librarian.

"MY EYES!"

He finds a regular Master Librarian.

"Your knowledge of all things mundane makes me jealous! Die, librarian!"

He eats a flea man.

"Yummy!"

He finds a hallway.

"Die, hallway?"

Not knowing how to kill a hallway, Richter walks down it instead. The Soul of Bat relic is waiting for him.

Seeing the relic, Richter is reluctant to progress the fanfic.

"No way in hell that I'm touching that thing!"

Alucard comes in.

"If you touch it, Anetta will suddenly grow double D-sized boobies."

Richter touches it.

Thanks, Alucard.

"You're welcome. ...Now where the hell's my paycheck?"

Alucard laments through his half-human-half-vampire, angst-filled quest for a paycheck. He's out of the story. But he's in his own parody of the Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest.

Remind me to write a chapter of that story later. Speaking of stories...

Richter's hands are starting to seem grotesque--and not just because I realized that Richter nearly never washes his hands.

"Hey!!! They're not THAT dirty!"

(cut to a montage of all the times Richter never washed his hands.)

A day at the petting zoo would've been ruined by the fact that someone accidently switched the animal's hay with two tons of laxatives, if not for Richter knowing how to make his own fun.

Richter scoops a pile of feces and starts to pat it into a ball.

"Snowball fight, anyone?"

(Cut to another scene)

Richter has his pants down, peeing in front of a toilet. Mid-pee, someone bangs on the door.

"HEY! GET OUTTA THERE! GET BACK ON SHIFT, WE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH OF HUNGRY CUSTOMERS WAITING!"

"Huh?! Yes, sir!!" Richter finishes, quickly puts on an apron and a hair net. He runs out of the restroom hoping he'll still get to keep his job at the Pizzaria.

With the violin music from Psycho in mind, cut to close up of a sink, soap, and a not-invented-yet hand-dryer that were never used.

(Cut to the last scene)

In a combination of the last two scenes, Richter is rolling around in a field of animal poop and pizzas with somebody playing a violin. That's it.

(End Montage)

Richter is stunned.

May I continue the fanfic?

-as they stretched and lengthened into the recognizable framework of bat wings. If not for the bat features distorting his face, we could see that Richter is struggling to not bite off his tongue in pain.

"I...! Knew...! This was...! ...Going to happen!" He begins to shrink into a small, hairy, screeching ball of flesh, A.K.A., a bat.

Once he freed himself from the mountain of clothes he was stuck in, Richter flies off into the night. Okay, maybe not the night exactly nor the flying part, but let's just change scenes to somewhere else.

(LATER)

"This sucks..." CRASH! "I fell for Alucard's trick-" CRASH! "-and now I'm a bat." CRASH!

Bat-Richter falls to the ground but decides to stay lying there.

"And, dammit, I can't see a thing!"

He tries again to fly. He flies into a wall. CRASH!

Richter's blind as a bat.

As he falls, a Sword Lord snatches him from the air. If Richter were a women, the Sword Lord's look might have been interpreted as love at first sight. But as Richter screeched, struggled, bit fingers, The Sword Lord stared at the bat's brown eyes and yelled.

"Ce-yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!!!!"

Richter stopped.

"Awwww! This bat is the cutest one EVER!!!"

The Sword Lord drops his sword (gasp!) to rub Richter's furry belly. Richter is stunned.

"I'm gonna love you and hug you and hug you and love you and love you and love you again and I think I'll call you George!"

Richter is trying to fly away but the Sword Lord is using his thumb and index finger to hold his tiny leg. He's flapping in place.

"C'mon, George! Let's go home!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The Sword Lord holding Richter gets smaller as he walks away from the camera. Richter's squeals and screeches are interpreted by the Sword Lord as noises of affection.

Oh no! Is this the end of Richter?!

TO BE CONTINUED!

Alucard: Dun Dun Dun!


	7. What was this Chapter Called again?

Randomaximus was the only one who noticed the Looney Tunes reference. Truly, he is the world's last hope.

* * *

LIBRARIAN

Richter is currently wondering why there is an old man in the long library. He walks up to him.

"Hello there, elderly man. Pray tell, what are you doing in this demonic castle?"

The librarian isn't talking.

Richter, being the logical person that I don't portray him to be, figures it's the cheesy voice actor he's been stuck with since the begining of the game. He attempts to speak regularly.

"Old man, what are you doing here? It's dangerous! There are demons and vampires, in particular a very annoying half vampire of whom shall not be named, and a succubus a giant and-!!!"

The librarian hasn't moved.

He slaps his face. Richter tries to simple down his speech even further if it will get him a response.

"Hey!" He yells. (Like, no Way!!) "Why're you here? Monsters will kill you and stuff!"

At the word 'stuff', Richter remembers a fond memory of a time a group of skeletons invited him to a pillow fight. Good times.

Richter looks at him to say something.

The librarian still refuses to face him.

...SNAP!

Ripping his hair out, Richter has snapped. (lik3, n0 wai!!!)

Konami didn't put much into Richter's version of the game.

All the dialouge in 'Castlevania: Symphony of the Night' is been built for Alucard's main game. If you think Richter's over-reacting to the Librarian not speaking to him, think about this. Since Konami never felt like spending more on voice acting than they already have, Richter never had anyone speak to him for six months. Half a year.

"HEY OLD FART!" He's just plain pissed now. "HEY! YA, YOU!"

The librarian pokes his head up.

"THAT'S RIGHT I'M TALKING TO YOU! SAY SOMETHING TO ME! SAY SOMETHING TO ME!!!" Richter is yelling/spitting saliva two inches from the librarian's nose. The librarian is shaking in fear. But the librarian still hadn't said something.

Richter is foaming at the mouth.

"SAAAAAAY SOOOOOOOOMETHING!!!!"

The librarian sees Richter's Vampire Killer. His sudden elevated mood and gigantic smile stuns Richter.

"Ah, you must be the dominatrix I ordered!"

Now Richter is silent.

"Mind if you wait a bit? I was intending to do our 'business' in this robe but since you scared the crap out of me, I need to change my undies and try to get rid of all the stains while they're still fresh! Excuse me."

Waddling awkwardly due to soiled underwear, the librarian exits with a big smile on his face. He mutters 'Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!' and tries to hurry up with the getting-dressed process.

Richter shakes in disgust but then wonders why he's still here. He walks off.

The Librarian pops his head back on-screen. "I forgot that you don't need clothes for sessions! Let's do this thing! Hey... Where'd he go? Aww..."

* * *

Go the Reviews Section, and do you see Godess of Evil there? Ask her and she'll tell you that this chapter was up for approximately an hour before I took it down again. Holy crap, that must've been at 1-3:50 in the morning! 

Guess I'm not the only night owl here...


	8. Ask a stupid question

When someone on the GameFAQs forum board asked "How did such a magical soundtrack get stuck with such a crappy credits song?" I answered with this post.

* * *

Now lemme tell you...

It happened when THIS happened:

One dark, stormy day; a deliveryboy runs at freakishly high speeds, so fast he leaves his image trailing after him with a blue hue, through a forest. As he runs to the evil castle, AKA Konami's headquarters of choice, owls get scared from the trees and try to fly away from the deliveryboy.

The drawbridge of Konami's castle rises, but, determined to get his paycheck, the deliveryboy deftly jumps it and enters...

KONAMIVANIA

No game-oriented forumboard can say who shall emerge victorious.

The deliveryboy, who despite my calling of 'deliveryboy' is actually 19 years old, enters the inner castle and comes across the throne room--I mean, the conference room. There inside, the konami company heads hiss and cover themselves with cloaks from the light entering from the doorway. "Oh, sorry." The deliveryboy closes the door.

"Ah, much better. Wait, what are you doing here?!"

"I'm a deliveryboy."

"Ack! No! We said we don't want any mail unless it's filled with pure gold or whenever they find out how to stuff supermodels into envelopes!" The Konami CEOs were already traumatized with the accusations that Castlevania had lost it's Castlevania-feel due to incorporating aspects from Metroid. The name 'Metroidvania' had already been burnt into their minds.

"But I'm here to deliver..." He looks at his clipboard. "a copy of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night."

A CEO claps his hands and smiles. "OOOOH! Goodie!" He takes it from the deliveryboy, unwraps the package freakishly fast, and pops the CD into a Playstation.

"Heeeeey..." The deliveryboy gets shushed by everybody in the room. The Playstation's intro plays. After it ends, he speaks. "Hey, why did you guys order a copy of _your own_ game?"

A CEO speaks. "Well, just in case the game is a commercial flop, and when the angry fans come to raid the good ole' castle, we can deny we ever made it. Probably just a pirated version. Since we don't have a single copy in our headquarters, we have to see if it's good game or not. You know, just to see if we should start barricading the castle."

"Well, I'm just letting you know that's MY copy you're going to be BORROWING. I may have dropped the original package somewhere,"

SOMEWHERE...

A kid comes across a brown box. He turns his around to see if anybody around dropped it. He forgot that he was the only one stupid enough to runaround naked in the desert. He opens the box.

Golden light emanates from the opened box onto his face, and angels sing "Halejuah".

BACK TO THE CASTLE...

"But I still spent my $40,"

In the future, eBay scanvangers yell "LUCKY!!!!" angrily.

"fair and square on the game."

The CEO looked at him. "Fine sure, just give us a minute."

The CEO with the controller types "URCHEATINGFATBASTARD" as his name into the game. Alucard has one bagillion points on each stat, has all the relics, familiars are level 100, and Alucard can pass through walls.

Alucard has already defeated Shaft, with a mushroom nonetheless, and Dracula comes up. The CEO smiles at the deliveryboy. "This is a special trick that we programmed for this specific battle. On your controller, all you have to do is enter the input command for a basic Hadouken attack."

"Bleh!"

Dracula dies.

And now the ending comes up.

Alucard: "Hey Richter. Did you know that this ending can only be acquired by cheating?"

Richter: "Uh-huh! Just to tease the few people who gamesharked their way to this ending, this ending MAY be connected to the fabled 'fifth ending', but only their codes weren't good enough. THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GOTTA KEEP TRYING! Lol!"

Alucard: "Lol? Nevermind. But Richter, don't you think it would be awfully mean for gamesharkers who hacked their way here to not be rewarded with something at all? After all, all the effort put into laborious attempts at getting desired results, and to have it all be for naught. The deserve SOMETHING." Alucard turns his head as he's about to cough. "Unless they just read a guide on GameFAQs..."

Richter: "What was that last part?"

Alucard: "Nothing."

Richter: "Ah, okay. If you feel so adamant about rewarding them, then fine. HEY LOOK! LOOKIE LOOKIE! Maria's turning evil!"

Maria: (mouth foaming over)

Maria foams a bit more before everybody bursts into laughter. Richter's slapping his knees, Alucard holding his gut, and Maria nearly doubled over, on the floor from laughing.

Alucard: "Nah... Nah...!" He wipes a tear from his eye. "We're just foolin' ya. Here's the real end...!!"

'I am the Wind' begins to play.

The CEOs begin to freak out.

"HOLY S!!! This isn't what we programmed!!!" The deliveryboy looks at them and wonders why they're freaking out about a pretty mild jazz song.

"Uh, what's wrong with this?"

"We had this awesome song called 'Nocturne' that was supposed to play for the credits!"

The CEOs seem to lose their sanities and try to dispose of all the witnesses of the terrible mistake the made. The deliveryboy runs for his life. He finds himself on a cliff overlooking the castle as black hurricane clouds come and dissintergrate the castle of Konamivania.

The scrolling text comes over the screen.

_And now, with the (maybe/not really) deaths of many Konami important-people, the deliveryboy looks at the destruction of Konamivania, and wonders..."What the hell...?". His thoughts carried only carried on by the winds, but only the X buster on his hand knows for certain what will truly--  
_

"...Dang it!!! Forgot to get them to sign the shipping forms!!!" the deliveryboy tosses clipboard onto the ground hardly.

And I hope that answers your question.

-  
Prove that 13 x 7 equals 28. C'mon. Do it.

The above happens to be my signature.


End file.
